My husband made me laugh this morning. He sent this email to me and his family. It made me smile sooo much, I had to share it. Happy Valentine's Day...
" So a few days ago, I get into the shower to cleanse myself of all the construction debris and sawdust that I accumulate every day. When I get the shampoo in my hair, I reach, still with eyes closed, for the soap, only to find an odd, sharp edged block of something in my hand. Oh, Sue must have gotten a different soap. Must have been too good of a deal to pass up. As I lather myself in soap, I begin to smell something strange. Something that doesn’t quite smell like shower smells. As I rinse the shampoo from my hair, and take a look at the bar of soap, it hits me. Rosemary. In shampoo?? Wait a minute, I’ve heard of lavender, chamomile, shea butter, among various other odd things to put in soap, but not rosemary. Rosemary is something you cook with. Hey!! That means someone is trying to season me up to cook me. And who put the soap in here? That’s right, my loving wife. But she wouldn’t cook me and eat me, so she must be doing it for a monster of some sort. Maybe a demon. But if she’s consorting with them, she must be among their leagues. A SHE-DEMON!! Well, it’s going to take a lot of showers to season me up to taste good enough to eat, so at least I’ve got some time. I’ll just confront her about it.
When I asked the she-demon, er…, I mean, my wife, about it, she played it off flawlessly. “oh, yes, your brother Michael sent that, and I was out of soap, so I put it in their, isn’t it nice?” I suppose, if you like your people to taste like leg of lamb. So, he’s in on it as well, huh? Makes sense, I guess. I’m a pain in the ass to the family, she’s sick of putting up with my tirades and bad smells and getting the sheets dirty, her parents are doing pretty well, she could sell the mountain house and make enough money so she wouldn’t have to work for a while, and I’m sure my family would help her out if she needed it.
A couple of days later, I received a package in the mail. Books from Michael. Cool, I always like getting books, and they are usually very good ones. Having given up my worries about being eaten(because really, I am so dirty and smelly all the time, I don’t think there are too many demons out there that could deal with the taste, even after a lot of showers), I didn’t really think about it. That night, as I lie in bed reading “Insomnia” by Stephen king, way past the time I should have been asleep(because this book gives people insomnia), It hit me. The books were another part of the plan. Of course!! How could I have missed it?? I’m supposed to read books all day, so I get fat and tender and juicy!! That would explain why he only sends really good books that he knows I won’t be able to put down!! Having discovered this, I decided never to read another book again. Nor would I ever shower again. Life would be great. The demon would die of starvation, or find some other chump, and I could keep working and being dirty.
So after deciding I had better get back to work right away, so I could get smelly and dirty as quickly as possible, I go to D.C. to work for the weekend with Et, Pete, and Buster. Eight hours later, frustrated with the way things are going, arguing with the guys, I realize there must be more to life than work, and I sure could use some time off. Still wary of the she-demon, I return home and begin reading my book again(jogging in place while I’m doing it, so that I don’t get fat and lazy). While reading this Stephen King book, I stumble across the part about ‘Ka’ , the purpose, and the random. Thinking hard, I decide maybe it is my Ka to be demon food. Maybe if I am to sacrifice myself to the demon and go along with it, he will spare my children, although Shea doesn’t eat enough to be much of a meal, and the girls still have a few years before they would even be snack-worthy.
Having made my decision, I have blocked all this out of my mind and forced myself into the mantra…”it’s just hippie soap, it’s just hippie soap, it’s just….” . You get the idea.
So, If I disappear suddenly, PLEASE, STOP showering and reading books. You might be next."